new flag for humor article

The new flag for a new independent nation

Another year of garbage from the “president” (we all know who the real one is), our country progresses into the end times as foretold by the great Q.

 

It’s finally time to ask ourselves, when will the powerhouse of Iowa secede from the tyrannical union run by Sleepy Joe and his VP Kamala Harris?

 

With our nationally beloved corn, soybeans and pork along with leading in worldwide ethanol production and second only to Texas in producing wind energy, Iowa is able to sustain itself independent from the rest of the nation. 

 

But a question skeptics may bring up is “what about all the government programs that directly aid the people of Iowa?” 

 

As the proud independent nation The Republic of Iowa, the new nation is able to provide all of these and greater to its patriotic citizens. Below is a list of replacements for previous federal protections:

 

Defense:

Who needs an army when you have 50 percent of the state as good ol’ boys? With over 28,000 registered guns and over 40 percent of Iowans as gun owners, Iowa is able to defend itself from all external threats.

 

Border Security:

A wall will be erected around the border of Iowa with heightened protection on the border of Nebraska and The Republic of Iowa.

 

Economy:

As if the booming enterprise of crops and fuel production isn’t enough, the new trade system of “Busch Light and promises” will take care of all inbetween costs that people cannot financially afford. With Iowa already being the controllers of alcohol distribution in Iowa, the Iowa Alcohol Beverages Division will be promoted into the Iowa Alcoholic Beverage Division of Commerce. 

 

Government Programs:

Replacing SNAP benefits from the federal government, The Republic of Iowa will resume giving out government cheese and milk in addition to a weekly allowance of Busch Light and a bundle of corn. Hunger will not be an issue in the new nation.

 

Constitutional Rights:

Ditching that old piece of paper made by the United State’s founders, The Republic of Iowa will use its existing state constitution along with tossing out elections to keep our existing leader Kim Reynolds in power forever. This new found freedom to not have to bother with silly things like the democratic process will allow The Republic of Iowa’s citizens to focus on other things like bolstering up our great nation through rigorous labor dedicated to the Republic.

 

Public Health:

All Iowa citizens are the healthiest individuals in the world. Unable to be affected by trivial diseases like COVID-19, Iowa will continue to prosper as its citizens will continue to thrive in great health.

 

Education: 

With the great universities already in Iowa, The Republic of Iowa will continue to educate from pre k-12 then further with our renown engineering programs and reeducate those who aren’t following the will of our great leader President Reynolds. 

 

Tourism:

From our never ending beautiful landscape of endless fields, The Republic of Iowa is home to a great many tourism sites that’ll draw people from other countries to see our beautiful state. From the world’s largest truck stop in Walcott or the world’s largest frying pan in Brandon, The Republic of Iowa has beautiful wonders.

 

With the crumbling of the nation around our great state, it’s time to look within and ask ourselves as Iowans “when is enough enough?” All hail The Republic of Iowa.

(2) comments

Aaron Brown

I feel like you are taking little bits of familiarity with Republicans and organizing them within a collectivist framework. It works for the nationalistic and authoritarian aspects of Republicans, but not for the capitalistic, populistic, and liberal aspects.

It is understandable that your goal would be mocking Republicans, but you keep switching personalities. The same person is not going to be all of the following simultaneously:

- a follower of Q

- a supporter of the welfare state

- a despiser of the Constitution

It is unclear whether you believe half of Iowans grew up in the South or if the Republican persona doesn't know what "good ol' boys" are.

Keegan Haines

Dude, really? You are trying extra hard to be offended by this. It’s so over-the-top I don’t know how he could’ve made it more satirical for you. We have corn, beer, and guns in Iowa, and they are non-partisan. He made fun of Q-Anon and voter fraud conspiracy theorists with one single line and that’s it. The twists on Reynolds as a dictator are purely for making the whole idea funnier and don’t read like a criticism of republicans at all. I’m a Busch drinking good ol’ boy and I can make fun of myself, this is excellent meta (self-aware) comedy.

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