couple kissing

Opinion editor and columnist Peyton Hamel discusses the struggles of self-sabotage and how it influences intimate relationships. 

The dynamics within intimate relationships are both exciting and frightening. We all reach a time in our lives when true intimacy becomes a challenge. We learn how to communicate. We learn how to grow together. We learn how to prioritize. 

I find learning how to feel like I deserve my partner's love and kindness is the most difficult. If you know my partner, you know they are the most steadfast, consistent person you can find. It's a blessing. If you know me well, you know I have big goals, but I am sporadic and all over the place. I jump from one side of campus to another, and I can be hard to track down. 

My inconsistency has resulted in me sabotaging my relationship with my partner. I'll be using it as an example to explain how self-sabotage affects relationships.

We have a funny beginning to our story (or at least I tend to think so). We met the summer before freshman year through a group chat. He must have thought I was pretty funny because he messaged me privately and sparks flew. He became my best friend, the one I never want to live without.

He never kept his feelings for me a secret. One day we were talking, and we spontaneously went to the theater — before that was illegal — to watch "Joker." Our date night inspired me to write one of my favorite columns. He took me back to my dorm and asked me to dance right then in the parking lot. A fairytale.

But then I got scared. I friend-zoned the man two times, but I got over it in November. We dated for six months, but then we broke up. I wasn't in a place where I could withstand long distance for another six months without hurting him. I had to work on myself before I could make it work. We got back together this October, and here we are, seven months later. The truth is, I still get scared. I make mistakes, and I still say really dumb things, but he's always still here.

What's happening is self-sabotage. I unconsciously have sabotaged my own relationship because of my insecurities and fears. 

I have challenged his patience. 

I have challenged his loyalty. 

I have challenged his compassion. 

And I hate that I've done it. 

I'm being vulnerable because I want others to know they aren't alone, and it's something that can be helped. About 20 percent of people engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, which commonly results in sabotaging their intimate relationships. Self-sabotage is defined as "behavior that creates problems in your own daily life and interferes with your long-standing goals."

There are two things that stand true about self-sabotage:

  1. It is never acceptable to sabotage your relationships.
  2. It's not completely your fault. 

Self-sabotage derives from a multitude of reasons. It could be because of childhood neglect. It could be because of past relationship trauma. Maybe because of PTSD. Even from mental health conditions. 

It's a harsh reality, and it's very real. It's a struggle that has to be acknowledged every day. To be blunt, it sucks to realize what you're doing and see that you're constantly letting your partner down because you slipped on your own ice you decided to leave all winter. Annabelle Fournier lists a variety of what sabotaging a relationship looks like: 

  • Gaslighting to look for an exit or to make them despise you so they will leave
  • Serial dating
  • Jealousy with a little splash of anxiety
  • Criticism of your partner, nitpicking their flaws and mistakes but not seeing your own
  • Avoidance and lacking communication
  • Low self-esteem (which is, in itself, a cause as well)

It's a very long process to work through, but it is possible to recover. Oftentimes, therapy is a huge step for change. It will help you identify your attachment style. Attachment styles are how individuals interact with their significant other, theorized as attachment theory from the 1960s and '70s. Identify this and work on it. Take a long breath before making a decision. Take your time. Then have that honest discussion with your partner. But most of all, be patient. 

If you are in a relationship with someone who self-sabotages, continue being patient, but set your boundaries. There is a limit. Although you love them, a kick in the butt is sometimes necessary. Make sure to be constructive. Continue being understanding. Reassure them as much as you can. Don't be afraid of disclosing your own problems.

If you are an individual who self-sabotages, you're not alone. If you're doubting, tell your partner. If you're in a fight and want to lash out or distance yourself, take a breath. You will be OK, and remember that you love them. Work on that attachment style and your confidence. You are worth that love. I know it's hard. I get it. Don't give up on your partner, and don't give up on yourself. My partner has never given up on me. I may not ever understand why, but I don't need to.

My partner and I are working on my confidence through making lists of three. He has me write down three things I love about myself every day. If I can love me, he can too. 

I still have a lot to learn, but slowly, I'm catching myself. Celebrate the little victories, right? I'm trying to communicate where my head is going before it goes there. I know it sucks to hear "Do better" or "You need to work on it," but it's true. Your lovely relationship won't be able to survive if that fire keeps burning. 

I believe in you, and so does your partner. You got this. 

peyton hamel profile pic (copy)

Opinion Editor Peyton Hamel is a junior in kinesiology - human medicine, genetics and English. 

Opinion Policies

Editorials are longer opinion pieces that are written by a group of community members recruited across campus who address relevant issues on a local, national and international level. Editorials are research-based. The purpose of the Editorial Board is to promote discussion concerning relevant issues in the community while advising on possible solutions. Topics are chosen via relevancy and interests of the members, which are then discussed by the Editorial Board in order to reach a general consensus concerning the topic or issue.

Feedback policy

If you have a grievance concerning the content or argument of the Editorial Board, please contact either Opinion Editor Peyton Hamel (peyton.hamel@iowastatedaily.com) or the Editorial Board as a whole (editorialboard@iowastatedaily.com). Those wanting to respond to editorials can also submit a letter to the editor through the Iowa State Daily website or by emailing the letter to Opinion Editor Peyton Hamel (peyton.hamel@iowastatedaily.com) or Editor-in-Chief Sage Smith (sage.smith@iowastatedaily.com).

Column Policy

Columns are hyper-specific to opinion and are written by only columnists employed by the Iowa State Daily. Columnists are unique because they have a specific writing day and only publish on those writing days. Each column undergoes a thorough editing process ensuring the integrity of the writer, and their claim is maintained while remaining research-based and respectful. Columns may be submitted from community members. These are labelled as “Guest Columns.” These contain similar research-based content and need to be at least 400 words in length. The following requirements should be met: first and last name, email and relation or position to Iowa State. Emails must be tied to the submitted guest column or it will not be accepted or published. Pseudonyms are prohibited and the writer will be banned from submissions.

Read our full Opinion Policies here. Updated on 10/7/2020

(1) comment

Seymour Trout

Honestly, you sound like a flaky chick who doesn’t know what she wants. Were I him, I’d dump you. He’s in college, so there are plenty of other women, many of them normal.

College is the time to make all your relationship mistakes before you become an adult and custody, alimony, and child support are involved. If you’re a guy, you should take this especially seriously because, later, a divorce is going to cost you big time. Make your mistakes now and learn your lessons well. If a girl is giving you trouble, dump her and move on. The worst thing you can do is stick with a troubled girl, hoping you can turn her around. You won’t. Don’t get stuck on stupid.

When you find the right girl, everything will work. You won’t have to work at the relationship. The relationship will work for you.

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.