MICHELS: Get ready for the '90s party of your so-called life
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I have reason to believe the peculiar events surrounding Veishea have nothing to do with crowd control or safety. Instead they have everything to do with the sudden appearance of Eve 6 and Blessid Union of Souls. I am taking an extreme risk telling you this today, but I feel that the student body has a right to know.
I have evidence that recently a time portal has opened up near the band field, and out of it stepped Eve 6 and Blessid Union of Souls, demanding the right to play at Veishea (The Black Keys and Silversun Pickups, who were originally supposed to play, were sucked into the portal).
It turns out the two bands have no idea what time period it is, and the Veishea committee would like to keep it that way. The committee, which is made up of the top physicists in the country, is afraid that if these two bands find out what year it is, there will be a rip in time, which would have consequences like those in "Back to the Future."
The committee has been watching this trilogy around the clock in the hopes of extracting any helpful information to prevent this impending disaster. They have also remained in contact with Marty McFly and Doc Brown for the past two weeks.
It is true the wristbands are for crowd control, but not for the reasons one would think. The crowd is kept to 7,000 so the committee can control what the crowd says, wears and how it acts. They do not want a culture clash that would result in confusing the two bands. I have uncovered a list of do's and don'ts the committee created to prevent the possible culture clash.
Under no circumstances must anyone crank dat Soulja Boy. It is too complex of a dance for primitive people from the '90s. They were only fluent in dances such as the Macarena, which only utilized the upper body. Full movement of the body, such as what is seen in cranking dat Soulja Boy, might result in the confusion and anger of the bands.
Do not mention the Boston Red Sox winning the World Series. This was unthinkable in the '90s. We don't want the band members taking this information back to their time period. It may result in some MLB teams, such as the Cubs, gaining false hope, and also change in the outcome of past World Series games. We have worked too hard in past years to stop the Yankees from winning.
Dress in '90s clothing. Dust off your Doc Martens. Wear baggy clothing so that your boxers show, and then tuck your shirt into your boxers. This was considered "cool"or "boss" in the '90s. If you wear sunglasses, do not wear Kanye West-style glasses. Instead, wear Oakleys or other styles of wraparound sunglasses. Large cargo pants with the JNCO inscription largely apparent on the side can be worn. There've been requests for both goth and punk styles.
For this, one must wear large black jeans with chains hanging to the ground or leading to a wallet with the WWF insignia stitched on the front. Long spiky hair and studded bracelets are also advised. One must also yell "Marilyn Manson Rules!" or "NIN!!!!!!!" in a raspy, demanding voice. For others, skater shoes are a must.
Use '90s slang. Constantly refer to people being "all that and a bag of chips." When someone says something unbelievable, reply with the phrase "As if!" If you want to greet your friends, say, "What up, dawg?" Constant yelling of "WAAAAAAZZZUP!" is advisable.
Above all, you must pretend to enjoy these two bands. They were popular during their time because of their many singles and ear-catching melodies. They are going to expect to be liked now, so the crowd must cheer and clap for them. If you cannot stand the music because you constantly put it on repeat on your CD player during junior high, you must cover yourr ears and duck below the crowd so the bands do not see your disgust.
If these rules are followed, the Veishea committee believes that Eve 6 and Blessid Union of Souls will exit back through the time portal after they are done with their shows.
The committee will then proceed to close the portal before anyone else sneaks out of it. The last thing we want is the appearance of Courtney Love or the cast of "Party of Five." And don't worry: The wristbands are only designed to protect the crowd from the outdated music.
- Andrew Michels is a junior in English from Bellevue.
I have evidence that recently a time portal has opened up near the band field, and out of it stepped Eve 6 and Blessid Union of Souls, demanding the right to play at Veishea (The Black Keys and Silversun Pickups, who were originally supposed to play, were sucked into the portal).
It turns out the two bands have no idea what time period it is, and the Veishea committee would like to keep it that way. The committee, which is made up of the top physicists in the country, is afraid that if these two bands find out what year it is, there will be a rip in time, which would have consequences like those in "Back to the Future."
The committee has been watching this trilogy around the clock in the hopes of extracting any helpful information to prevent this impending disaster. They have also remained in contact with Marty McFly and Doc Brown for the past two weeks.
It is true the wristbands are for crowd control, but not for the reasons one would think. The crowd is kept to 7,000 so the committee can control what the crowd says, wears and how it acts. They do not want a culture clash that would result in confusing the two bands. I have uncovered a list of do's and don'ts the committee created to prevent the possible culture clash.
Under no circumstances must anyone crank dat Soulja Boy. It is too complex of a dance for primitive people from the '90s. They were only fluent in dances such as the Macarena, which only utilized the upper body. Full movement of the body, such as what is seen in cranking dat Soulja Boy, might result in the confusion and anger of the bands.
Do not mention the Boston Red Sox winning the World Series. This was unthinkable in the '90s. We don't want the band members taking this information back to their time period. It may result in some MLB teams, such as the Cubs, gaining false hope, and also change in the outcome of past World Series games. We have worked too hard in past years to stop the Yankees from winning.
Dress in '90s clothing. Dust off your Doc Martens. Wear baggy clothing so that your boxers show, and then tuck your shirt into your boxers. This was considered "cool"or "boss" in the '90s. If you wear sunglasses, do not wear Kanye West-style glasses. Instead, wear Oakleys or other styles of wraparound sunglasses. Large cargo pants with the JNCO inscription largely apparent on the side can be worn. There've been requests for both goth and punk styles.
For this, one must wear large black jeans with chains hanging to the ground or leading to a wallet with the WWF insignia stitched on the front. Long spiky hair and studded bracelets are also advised. One must also yell "Marilyn Manson Rules!" or "NIN!!!!!!!" in a raspy, demanding voice. For others, skater shoes are a must.
Use '90s slang. Constantly refer to people being "all that and a bag of chips." When someone says something unbelievable, reply with the phrase "As if!" If you want to greet your friends, say, "What up, dawg?" Constant yelling of "WAAAAAAZZZUP!" is advisable.
Above all, you must pretend to enjoy these two bands. They were popular during their time because of their many singles and ear-catching melodies. They are going to expect to be liked now, so the crowd must cheer and clap for them. If you cannot stand the music because you constantly put it on repeat on your CD player during junior high, you must cover yourr ears and duck below the crowd so the bands do not see your disgust.
If these rules are followed, the Veishea committee believes that Eve 6 and Blessid Union of Souls will exit back through the time portal after they are done with their shows.
The committee will then proceed to close the portal before anyone else sneaks out of it. The last thing we want is the appearance of Courtney Love or the cast of "Party of Five." And don't worry: The wristbands are only designed to protect the crowd from the outdated music.
- Andrew Michels is a junior in English from Bellevue.
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