• June 2, 2015

Iowa State Daily

Intergalactic politics

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Posted: Tuesday, April 1, 1997 12:00 am

Comet Hale-Bopp is making its way across the skies of Iowa and will leave us near April 15 for another 2,400 years depending on intergalactic traffic. And so leaves the alleged alien spaceship following just behind its tail.

Comets have always made the folks down here on earth a little crazy, dating back to comet tales in the histories of the oldest-known civilizations. As a matter of fact, tales of comets have helped historians date much of history. Comets have been blamed for floods, earthquakes, Caeser's assassination and the death of Charlemagne. Heck, the word "dis-aster," translated from Greek and Latin, roughly means "bad star."

Now the next comet tale has been written. In Rancho Santa Fe, Calif., 39 members of the Heaven's Gate cult committed suicide last week seeking redemption from a spaceship trailing Hale-Bopp.

In the name of sheer honesty, the Daily Editorial Board members demand the spaceship supposedly trailing Hale-Bopp to show itself. The world needs to know if the members of Heaven's Gate are in on something.

If the spaceship does not show itself, the people of earth should send Luke Skywalker and R2-D2 up in an X-Wing Fighter to investigate. It would be just like bulls-eyeing womprats in Beggar's Canyon all over again.

Maybe the reason the 39 people died is because they didn't use the Force while taking phenobarbital and vodka.

It is our opinion the space ship trailing Hale-Bopp is one of the Empire's Superstar Destroyers, and it is looking to carbon-freeze Bob Dole for another 100 years so it can try to get him elected before he kicks the bucket. Once elected, Dole would turn the world over to Emperor Palpatine. At any rate, we'll miss all the silly hubbub that Hale-Bopp has brought with it, and we hope the Daily is still publishing in 4397 A.D.

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